


Static buzz

by CommunistUshanka



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Agent 2 is mentioned also, Agent 2 is one of the Squidsisters and I forgot :), Apparently Agent 24 is the ship name and not the character LOL, Callie and Marie are mentioned like twice, F/F, I figured that Agent 8 would know nothing since they spent eternity in a tube, splatoon 2 - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommunistUshanka/pseuds/CommunistUshanka
Summary: Agent 3 and Agent 8 do things.





	Static buzz

Through countless years of living with 3, 8 has shown an almost unhealthy desire to participate in Turf War. She has no idea what it’s like, she doesn’t know what to do, yet she’s determined to join in. 

Eight starts to speak, but Three cuts her off before she can utter a word. “Yes, Agent eight, they do die in Turf War.” Agent 3 answers, probably for the hundredth time in a row. She never fully understood her interest in Turf War, for just a year ago, she had to teach her how to read— again.

“Wow! Have you been in Turf War before?” Agent 8 asks, 3 nods, she cups her mouth in surprise. 

“Yeah, and they called me Agent three because I died all three times.” She replies sardonically, knowing for sure that 8 would believe it considering how naive she is. The Octoling is all gullible and wide-eyed, barely knowledgeable on death, despite being a biodegradable lab test for a day at most.

Agent 8 had no real concept of death, or humour, or anything, really. Agent 3 had to teach her that she had a name before  
she even knew what the word meant, then she taught her how to read, then the alphabet, then basic grammar, and everything that sky people learn in their ‘Kindergarten’ and ‘Fifth Grade’ basically.

It’s all a long, droll process, and Agent 8 likes to learn. She spends about seven hours learning from Agent 3, three of which she didn't understand a word that was said to her. Even though all of her classes provide substantial knowledge, she mainly learns from mimicking 3. Agent 3 thinks it’s cute when she tries to replicate her behaviours, 8 often tries to mimic 3’s default glare, but she often fails at doing so. 

“You huh?” 

Agent 3 takes a deep sigh, turns, looks Agent 8 right in eyes, and shakes her head like a disappointed parent. 8 knows what that means for sure, because she’s used to it. 3 thinks to herself, ‘Should I really tell her what death is? Do I want to give this toddler an existential crisis? Do I really want her to react the same way Callie did when Four called her Grandma?’ (Callie is pushing forty, and Four's remark warped her into a mid-life crisis that spanned for seven long months. She tried to get Marie to book a show so she could feel young again, but she didn't comply. Marie is retired, all she does is go on hour long rants about how the Octolings stole her job, and remind Callie that she can't fit into that bodysuit anymore because she’s no longer twenty-five.) Then she figures that it would be best to simplify it for her, she already spent about seven hours explaining to her that one tentacle is longer than the other because it’s used for something.

(Four decided it would be absolutely hilarious to sloppily explain the concept of the sky people’s mating ritual to her, then send her off to annoy 3. She said “Agent eight, ask three if you can deposit your sperm packets in her female mantle cavity.” and 8 does just that, then they both have to sit in the corner for half an hour.) 

“It’s when you sleep for a long time, without sunlight, in a box, underground, with worms.” 

“Hey…” Agent 8 slowly begins to smile, “That sounds great! How do you die? I want to die with you!! Can we share the box?” 

“Yeah, we can share the box, and we’ll have a huge quilt to lay under. Four remembered to call Callie’s retirement home her ‘house’ this time, so hopefully she can knit that when we ask, and you’ll share your warmth with me so I don’t get cold..” 

(Callie and Marie share a room in a retirement home, Four has to take care of them, as that’s what she does for fun these days. After Marie’s usual hour long rant and rave on how Marina stole her job, and where Deadfish can stick it for stealing her spotlight after her and Callie’s concert flopped because none of them have the energy like they used to when they were young, she usually replies with the old, “Mhm.. Yes ma’am. Oh? Marina is a what now? Yikes!” and entertains her until her hour long bluster puts her to sleep.)

“Hey, maybe death is like our house!”

“Except, death is the only free thing I’ll get in this life.” Says Agent 3, feeling quite bitter with the lack of furniture and living space, waiting on a check that’ll compensate for her war effort, that’ll likely never arrive.

“Well, love is free!” Agent 8 folds her arms around 3, hugging her tightly because that’s probably the only form of love she knows how to reciprocate. 

Despite Agent 3 having to teach Agent 8 how to love, she is quite incapable of it herself. She keeps a Poker Face on throughout, the hug doesn't end because 8 doesn't know when to let go. “What's this, what are you doing...” 3 asks nervously, almost sounding like Agent 8’s usual brand of stupidity. 

“Loving you.” Agent 8 responds.

“You're what?... You're huh?” 

“I’m chemically reacting to you.” Agent 8 responds again, thinking that the wordings off.

Agent 3, acting as if she were a piece of electronic machinery doused in sink water, “Why are you chemically reacting to me???”

Agent 8, trying to figure out what she’s supposed to do next and when to stop. “I love you, that’s why!” She held her a little tighter.

While Agent 3 short circuited in the background, 8 finally remembered what she had to do next, “Hey, I know what to do next!” She let go and ran off somewhere, typical.

3’s senses arisened, and it appears the mechanic came to fix the broken toaster that temporarily became her mind. Agent 3 looks around, wondering where 8 could of possibility went, and how long she'll survive on her own. 

“What if Eight dies out there… She's only a baby of over 100 years of age.. What if she-” 

Agent 3 is interrupted by the sound of running, which of course is Agent 8. Soon, she does arrive, but in the worst way imaginable.

Nudist! She arrives completely devoid of any clothes to speak of, and since she's in her humanoid form, there's a single elongated tentacle that almost reaches her ankle. It's obviously not coming from her head.

“WHAT.”

“Yeah! This is what I’m supposed to do next! Impregnate you!!” 

“ME???”

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently, male octopi are afraid of females because they eat them more than they fuck them LUL


End file.
